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Old 08-10-2006, 05:26 AM
Sharron's Avatar
Sharron Sharron is offline
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,099
Default ignore the naughty words..... it's too good not to share.

This story is a hoot!! I believe I had tears in my eyes after reading this one.

Only A Guy Would Do This

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something special for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little triple-A batteries... Right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, (pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible waaay!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it Master." Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER ..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-..... That hurt like h...l!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, since time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Old 08-10-2006, 05:31 AM
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webado webado is offline
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Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
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LOL! Precious
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Old 08-10-2006, 07:38 AM
JWJ JWJ is offline
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Location: England
Posts: 5,717

LOL ... great story.
... John ...
Old 08-10-2006, 09:54 AM
sethpeploe sethpeploe is offline
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 217

painfully funny, i too have been stunned by a taser and stupidly mine was also voluntary, i let a mate do it not thinking it wouldnt hurt that much, but believe me it really does, and afterward it gives you the shakes, i was still shaking an hour after

Last edited by sethpeploe; 08-11-2006 at 10:04 AM.
Old 08-10-2006, 02:34 PM
China Tea China Tea is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: California, USA
Posts: 1,811
Default Hmmm

Interesting story . . . And I'm so glad he didn't use Gracie tha cat for practice target.

Uh . . . did he ever find what he lost?
Old 08-10-2006, 11:47 PM
italyout italyout is offline
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Sorrento, Italy
Posts: 177

Hee-hee! Hilarious!
And yes, only a guy would do it!!!
Old 05-30-2007, 04:59 PM
-=Seth=- -=Seth=- is offline
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what ever happened to Alina aka the notorious Italyout
Old 05-30-2007, 05:04 PM
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webado webado is offline
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Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Posts: 28,123

Been wondering the same thing myself.
Time to ping her I guess
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Old 06-05-2007, 05:33 PM
BigMumu BigMumu is offline
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Year 2033
Posts: 79
Talking Wanna hear another interesting story?

Check out this:

the fabulous destiny of the taserman story

PS: I wouldn't be able to write that post without StatCounter

Last edited by BigMumu; 06-05-2007 at 05:36 PM.
Old 06-08-2007, 04:49 PM
mistro mistro is offline
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 112

That's way too funny ... i nearly cried
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